Let's Talk About... Death Over Dinner?

Do you know what conversation most Americans are NOT having with their loved ones that they should be having? It’s actually not one conversation but a series of conversations… about end-of-life issues and about life-issues… How do we want to die? This is really about how we want to live, what is important to us, what we want our family and friends to know. After all, it’s hard to have a “good death” without having a good life.

I recently became intrigued with a program known as Death Over Dinner. No, it’s not a murder mystery party. And it’s not as depressing or morbid as the title may suggest. It’s also not just for older people.

Last week, I facilitated this program with an amazing group of women in their 40s and 50s. Many of them were hesitant and skeptical ahead of time. We discussed deep, important topics. “if you had an hour left, what would you feel was unresolved?” A discussion on what we would say if we had to give our own eulogy. And more. Some of the comments after the program included “that was so worthwhile” “can we do this again?” “this was hard, thought provoking and inspiring.” “I felt exhausted when I got here but energized when I left.”

The long term goals of the program are multi-fold: 

• Start thinking about your own mortality, share your end-of-life wishes with your loved ones.
• Feel more comfortable having the conversation with your aging parents, your spouse, your adult children. Gain ideas about how to start those conversations.
• Think about how you’re living your own life and whether there are changes you want to make.
• It doesn’t hurt if, as a result of having this conversation, you decide to get your advance directives (healthcare power of attorney, living will, POLST documents) and estate planning in order!

My colleague (and traveling Medicare-certified social worker), Allison List, LCSW, and I will be facilitating this program at the Vernon Area Library and the North Suburban YMCA this fall (click here for program dates), and are talking with several other organizations. If you’d like us to facilitate a program at your organization or for your family/friends, please contact me.

Resources to help you start the conversation… and fill out your advance directives:
The Conversation Project
The Five Wishes
State-specific Advance Planning Forms from the American Bar Association