Talking to Your Aging Parents

I was eavesdropping on a conversation the other day. Two women were discussing how one of them was trying to convince her dad to move from the home he’s been in for decades to an independent living community. I eavesdropped because I was already working on this blog post, after recently sharing an article, Parenting Your Aging Parents When They Don’t Want Help, on this topic on LinkedIn, and was interested in how she navigated the conversation.

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The article generated a lot of conversation, both on- and off-line. While I’m not a fan of the use of the word “parenting” in the title (I doubt aging parents want to feel like they’re being parented by their kids!), I think the article is filled with important, spot-on advice for having difficult conversations. I encourage you to read the entire article if you’re facing a situation where you need to talk about a challenging topic. Difficult conversations with your parents include wanting them to move out of their home, hire a caregiver, discuss their end-of-life wishes, share their financial situation, and more. (Note: this post assumes that your parent has the capacity to make their own decisions.)

The woman I referred to above (and who gave me permission to use her story in this blog) shared that one of her dad’s arguments for wanting to stay in the house was because he had so many wonderful memories there. He thought he would lose the memories, the feelings that go with the memories, if he moved. She responded by telling him that she completely understands that feeling. However, she pointed out that she hadn’t lived in that house since college but still holds on to all the memories from her childhood there. That was a great response. She acknowledged the validity of his concern, shared that she truly understands the issue, and let him know that the memories stay with us wherever we go. Her dad was then willing to continue the conversation.

Some thoughts on having difficult conversations with aging parents:

• It’s not one conversation, it’s many conversations. Suppose you think your parents should move to an independent or assisted living community. Do you think you’re going to call them up one day out of the blue, tell them you think they should move, and they’ll say “Okay. We’ll start packing.” Not likely. It’ll probably take many carefully thought out, in-person conversations, with time to reflect in-between. Even then, they may never agree to it. 

 

• Put yourself in their shoes. Think about how you will want to be approached about this and other difficult topics by your kids when you’re older. Consider the emotions and fears they are struggling with regarding loss of independence, facing their mortality, leaving the place where they raised their family and lived with a spouse who may no longer be here, and more. 

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• Make it their decision. You may be initiating the conversation, but it won’t have a good outcome unless they feel like it’s their choice (to move, to get a caregiver, etc). Work together on identifying the problems and potential solutions. Ask them what they want and what’s important to them. What matters most to them and what are they willing to give on?

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• They’re still your parents. Show them that respect.

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• Remember that you can’t force them to do what you want. If they want to stay at home despite your objections and best persuasion, you need to accept it. You can make your case, offer your assistance, even talk about how it affects you and set limits on the amount of help you can provide if they make a choice you don’t agree with, but ultimately it’s their decision.

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What happens if they don’t agree to get a caregiver or move or get a medical alert system or whatever you are hoping they will do… and then they, for example, fall and break a bone. This may cause you a lot of stress and missed work days and more - but remember, it’s not your fault. You don’t need to feel guilty (although I realize that’s easier said than done). The silver lining is that they may become much more open to listening to you!

Bottom Line: Take the time to plan for and start having these difficult conversations before there is a crisis. You’ll be glad you did.